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It has been a a while since my blog entry, a hiatus driven by the inability to accurately word my current emotional state.

In late May, I officially embarked on a new chapter by making Utah my home. The beauty and allure of this place is undeniable, yet a shadow persists—the looming dark shadow of debt.

Thankfully, I had the foresight to save up enough to carry me through a few months. This foresight served as a buffer, giving me time to settle and not immediately stress about finances. However, a recent decision, one with potential for long-term gains, has had an immediate financial strain.

The TikTok shop phenomenon was a tempting siren song, leading me to dive in without the amount of research I should have done. The initial response was exhilarating—I gained a considerable response. Within a week, sales soared to $1,500, and my Etsy was popping off. At first, this success painted a rosy picture, but a harsh reality emerged: TikToks compensation cycle has a two-week lag post delivery, not counting the processing and shipping time frames.

In the midst of this, Etsy's steady income gave me an opportunity to play catch-up. I was then out $800 in supplies with no immediate returns. This financial conundrum struck particularly deep for me, a small business that relies heavily on sales to purchase inventory.

After a week of great Etsy sales, the pendulum swung abruptly, and all my Etsy sales turned into TikTok only sales. This re-routing of income meant a three-week delay before I would see any payout.

As July reached its late mid-point, TikToks payout started to trickle in, allowing me to finally pay rent and car payments—indeed, a cause for gratitude. However, TikTok's swinging algorithm brought a slowdown in video engagement and subsequently, sales on both platforms.

Within these weeks, I was going through burnout, drained, and consumed by fatigue. The TikTok shop, coupled with its demanding three-day turnaround window—which was actually condensed to 1.5 days due to the requirement actually being that it must be scanned in by 6am of the 3rd day—got me trapped me in a cycle of restless nights and ceaseless work. This unrelenting grind threw me into the depths of despondency, where working until 4 am compounded my financial strains. Because of the relentless hustle, the luxury of time and mental bandwidth to even just look at other social media channels dissipated. But because I wasn't being active, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and YouTube, all reciprocated by stifling my visibility, making me spiral mentally even more.

To top it all off, I have been doing this all without my much needed therapist to remind me my thoughts are flawed since I haven't spoken with her since the move due to her not being available to practice in Utah.

First week of August I made a whopping $200.00, and still catching up with orders. I was messing up on things because I was working through burn out and so depressed, and we started to get crazy weather which then slowed down shipments/lost packages and that all cost me even more financially. At this point, I am working in the negative and living off credit cards.

However, following that initial week of August, I decided to shield myself from the clutches of anxiety and depression. I am decided to recognize that I am not defined by my struggles; rather, I am an embodiment of unyielding determination, courage, and tenacity. Being in this position is not unfamiliar to me—I've walked similar roads before, and while I just may very well find myself on this path again in the future, surrendering to my anxieties, depression and intrusive thoughts isn't going to help me.

During this recent week, I earned another whopping $200—a stark reflection of the immediate reality I face. This past week I have only made $200, and while the truth of the fact is that I am now behind on bills and have a shorter time frame to come up with the money needed for rent/car/groceries, I have not ran out of time yet.

This is not the time for self-indulgent woes or revisiting past traumas. The clock ticks insistently, and I must keep pushing. So here I am. Back at it again. Here to let you know, if you are going through the same thing, just know you ARE capable. You have been through shitty things before and look at you now, you are still here and still safe. I understand you are tired, and love, me fucking too, but we got this just like we had it before. No more self deprecating thoughts, no more questioning if you can because you HAVE. I believe in you.

To borrow from the wisdom of the Inuit natives, "goosfraba"(which signifies calm and resolve) stay calm my love. You got this.

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