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Finding Difficulties In Advertising Might Not Be Why You Think

Today is Monday, you know what that means... therapy day.


So today started off talking about me finding it difficult to advertise despite knowing its importance. Like I heard some business guru say "creating content should always come first, even before packing orders. If you aren't creating content you're not making sales and wont have any more orders to pack, so advertise advertise advertise. Advertise until seeing your own content makes you sick"


BUT I find it difficult. I don't have the motivation nor desire to... and that's when we started to unpack. Why, what is the root issue of me not being able to advertise? What makes me unmotivated? What don't I like about it?


At first I want to blame my ADHD. I find the most mundane tasks SO HARD. I absolutely hate it and so my brain switches to "then don't do it". But there was way more into this than I was thinking. Maybe in the back of my mind I knew these things but today it was definitely brought to light.


Why do I hate it? Well I hate it because I having to prep for it. That means I then have to clean up my area and put in all this extra work just to prep let alone the actually posting process. I also hate to be in front of the camera. I have always been "camera" shy. I feel very dysphoric when I see myself in the screen, and as I am editing and it makes me feel physically ill, so I avoid it at all costs.


Which those answers to me felt good enough.. who knew these were symptoms of so much more. Why do I hate the prep work? Well that's because it takes time, and time is extremely precious to me. I always feel like I don't have enough time in my day as it is, making extra work for myself just seems daunting. My entire life I have had to rush things because I am just moving too slowly or because there is more to do than I have been able to handle and when I get behind I let myself down and beat myself up about it. Why do I beat myself up about it? I don't know, because I have excommunicated everyone out of my life that would have beat me up (metaphorically speaking) about it and so now there isn't anyone around to do it. I no longer have anyone to trash talk me so now I have to do it.


But why do I have to trash talk myself? Why am I so mean to me? Because if I don't then I might end up falling behind on my goals and become who I don't want to become. And what is it that I don't want to become? My mother. My father. The people around me who have let me down and became those people I aspire not to be.


Going back to being in front of the camera, why don't I like to be in front of the camera? What about it makes me dysphoric? Well, I have my parents face. I look like the people who have hurt me the most. I don't like looking in the mirror and seeing my moms face. The face that would grin and bare her teeth at me when she was angry. The woman who slammed me up against a closet raising her hand to hit me just as my sister came in to save me, all over her thinking I got paint on a shirt that wasn't even the shirt she thought it was. I don't like looking in the camera and seeing the man who left me at 6 months old and now can't even remember my own birthdate. I carry the faces of the people who never liked me, so when I look in the camera that's all I see.


So my issues are that I don't want to look like or be like my parents? Pretty much. My mom always hobby hopped and never grounded herself, my dad always had some excuse happening as to why he couldn't do more despite being a brilliant mind.


And this is when the real diving in started happening. She reminded me I don't have my parents face, I have my own face. I have the face of someone who loves and nurtures not only my kids but the people around me. I wear the face of someone who despite never being shown the love and care I needed she still found a way to give it to everyone around her. I carry my own face, not a face of any sort of burden.


I am not my parents, yet I talk to and treat myself in the ways that I am. I have turned hateful words into my own intrusive thoughts. I treat everyone else around me with such high respect and regard but treat and talk to myself like I am garbage. I am so busy parenting everyone else, and showing everyone else that love, care, respect and nurturing that I have forgotten to show it to myself.


Sometimes parenting and nurturing isn't a hug and well wishes, sometimes its forcing them to take a shower and brush their teeth because it is good for them. Sometimes its making them do homework and chores they don't want to do. Sometimes its cold hard truth, but it should always be done with care, love and respect, and its time for me to start mothering myself.


So this week is going to be all about that. Loving, nurturing and respecting myself. When I am talking down to myself, using hurtful mean words I would NEVER spout at anyone else, to stop and remember what I give to others around me and remember that I am deserving of that same amount. Do things that scare me, like be in front of the camera, and while doing such, to avoid the self hate talk. Uplift myself and remind myself what a fucking champ I am. When I have to clean my space to take photos or videos to remember that if I fall behind on something else that is not a reflection of my self worth, that does not make me less than. It does not make me my parents.


I am, chronically, but unapologetically, me.


So if you're finding it hard to do the things you need to in order to make your business grow, maybe you should dive in a bit deeper as well and find the true source as to what is holding you back. Maybe you just need a reminder that you too, are worthy, loved, appreciated, and most of all CAPABLE!





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