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Well never mind then...

Today is Monday, therapy day, and well.. lets just say that didn't go as planned! I was feeling so proud of myself for having this self reflection and new path to moving forward, but, I guess I am still doing it wrong lol


My issues: self hate talk, and apparently when I say I am the problem, that is still a version of self hate talk. Who woulda known?!


I am supposed to work on stopping self blame and negative feedback to myself, yet that is all my post was yesterday. While what I was feeling was negative, the resentment, it is also a normal part about grieving during trauma healing and what I am trying to do is skip that part and move past it instead of moving through it.


I seriously hate when she's right lol


So, the goal post for this week has moved, while working on holding myself accountable and making sure I am posting at least once a day is good and all, I need to work on not blaming myself when I do have negative thoughts and emotions towards those that have inflicted trauma onto me. Instead, I need to sit in those emotions and work through them.


Understand that I was never at fault for them, I do not have control over anyone's actions, I am not deserving of any sort of harsh punishments or demeaning words. I am allowed to grieve the life that was stolen from me, and feeling grief does NOT mean I am causing any negative repercussions onto myself. I am at the last stage of grief,


  • Denial. - For many years I ignored the traumas I was going through and even denied to myself that it was even happening.

  • Anger. - All the anger I felt when I let everyone go, when I chose to cut ties with everyone

  • Bargaining. - Me telling myself that now that I cut everyone off I am cured. Its like the trauma never happened.

  • Depression. - The crippling loneliness I have felt this past year. The lack of friends or family. The lack of something so stupid as a hand on my back during a hug.

  • Acceptance and hope. - Me realizing that I needed help and sought out a therapist. Accepting the fact of all that I have gone through and realizing its time to move forward.

  • Processing grief- And now I am processing it all. I need to allow my measly brain to work through it and stop trying to jump over it like it will be the cure-all.

SO instead of spending this week avoiding the negative feelings I have towards them, I need to spend it working through those emotions, remind myself of how far I have come, and work on positive reinforcements towards myself. Like she said last week, I need to work on being a better mother to myself, not just the world around me.


Well, I guess I am working on that instead lol This is hard. How does one not tell themselves they're the problem when even society tells them they are? Even in spirituality they tell you you're to blame when something goes wrong if you're putting too much negative energy out there. I have to fight with the world while fighting with myself and it sounds difficult, but I suppose I shall take this challenge and move forward. What I am doing now isn't working obviously so I mind as well take a doctors word for it and try to switch up the game plan lol


Well... cheers to another fugging week! Make sure you do the same, and no self hate or blame talk this week!


Lets keep our eyes focused on our businesses and pressing forward, we got this!

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