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Monday - Therapy Day

Today was therapy day! I have such a love hate with this day, I hate it because it sets me back with all the other things I should and could be doing, but I have to say it is MUCH needed!

Todays topic was trust. Growing up I was always being scrutinized or infantilized, there was no in-between. I was either doing things horribly and fucking it all up, or my small most miniscule achievements were being praised. I remember testing my mom out by purposely drawing something horrible and showing it to her to see if I could get some actual criticism but she came back with OOOOO's and AAAWWW's. I couldn't trust what was being fed to me. I knew when the scrutiny was invalid, but I also knew when the praise wasn't either. Its left me as a very sus adult.

Who can I trust to tell me the truth?

But also on the flip side, I have had a pattern of behavior of trusting the WRONG people. I always tried my best to befriend the kid in the back of the play yard that had no friends, but a majority of the time there ended up being a reason as to why that kid was playing alone. (I am not condoning isolation of children, this is purely my experience). I always ended up in some weird drama I never even wanted to participate in, or befriended the people that would ask me questions in confidence and I would answer in confidence that they wouldn't repeat it, just for it to be flipped back onto me.

Remember in high school, back in the land line days, of calling a friend while secretly having another friend on the line to listen in on the convo? Yea I was always the kid being dooped into that situation.

Low key feel like this is an ASD trait, not being able to read a situation, but I digress.

Anyways, this has left me as an adult who is chronically suspicious of everyone. I still have that little kid in me that just wants to befriend everyone, especially those that don't have anyone else, but I instead isolate and protect myself from getting to close to anyone. Sure there are a couple exceptions, but those people usually have the same issue as me lol

The way its affected my business is missing out on opportunities because I don't want to be included. I want to do things by myself for myself and I self isolate. I have become that kid in the back of the play yard, but now by choice.

I so badly want to get into art groups, business groups, befriend a bunch of people with the same interests, but at the same time... I'm good lol

So this weeks homework assignment for all of us suffering with the same issue:

Look into groups around us we can enter into that are based off similar interests. You don't need to sign up, you don't need to attend, but just look around and see what's out there. There will never be growth within your business if there isn't any growth within yourself!

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