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Live life delusionally confident

Friday. Today is the day to be excited for the weekend but I woke up today just doubting myself.

I felt super overwhelmed, there are so many things I need to get done by a certain time that I just cant get done all at once and can only tackle one thing at a time, but when I do that it sets me behind for all the others I am not addressing, which all comes with consequences themselves, which also typically means there will be more work for me because I am getting behind.

Being an adult is already hard, being a neurodivergent parent, business owner, AND doing it alone feels nearly impossible some days. I look at other women who are doing it, and succeeding and I get this overwhelming feeling of jealousy. Not in a sense of I wish they would fail so I can succeed, but in a man, I wish I knew their secret kind of way.

Sometimes I come across people who say things like "I just let myself have excuses and I pushed forward and worked hard" or "I started from the absolute bottom and made my way up by MYSELF" and I get all bent out of shape, like WHY CANT I DO IT THEN?! I never give myself excuses, I work literally every day, I do literally everything by myself so why can I not just come across that good luck and FINALLY have that freedom I have been chasing for all these years?

This mentality gets me so spiraling that I start thinking about everything that is going wrong, the fact there is mold growing in my home because my landlord wont take care of certain things, but instead asked me to move out because he doesn't want to deal with the repairs. Then I start thinking about how fast my move out date deadline is approaching and how little of progress I've made to save up to move out. The fact that new bills keep popping up that are beyond my control and they suck every last penny from whatever savings I manage to collect. The fact that my kids need new clothes but I don't have the money to buy it for them and their dad wont pay his support because his new Tesla bill is too high and his new wife wont work. The fact that I cant make more money from my home because its so small and I need more space to create more things.

This mentality just goes deeper and deeper and I end up finding myself putting myself into this deep dark depression that I feel like it wont ever end. There is some inherent flaw within me that will forever prevent me from progressing.

... and then I started looking into those people with their 'great advice', and find out they had a family member to help with babysitting so they were able to work regular jobs while working on their businesses, they inherited a family home and don't have a mortgage, or they are are neurotypical and don't have to fight the same mental battles. There is just always something that someone was awarded that just isn't within my reality, and that's when I realize, it isn't me.

There isn't anything wrong with me, I'm just working with less. Everyone is running the race on a paved road while I am running against a current, and that doesn't mean I am any less capable of reaching success, it just means my success story will be a greater one, and the more I tell myself that I will never reach my goals because I am me, is the longer I stand in my own way.

So, if you're like me, and woke up today just not feeling the day. Doubting yourself, your abilities, busy comparing yourself to the world around you and hating yourself for not reaching the goals you set for yourself, this is your reminder to stop. Breathe. The more you doubt yourself, the universe and the capabilities you both have to make a greater life for yourself, is the longer you will stand in front of yourself blocking you from your own dreams and success. Live life delusionally confident, not delusionally diffident.

Like GrandRisingApp on TikTok said, "You have been receiving way too much stimulation. Be present. Breathe. Do not downgrade your dream to fit your current reality, instead, upgrade your motivation, upgrade your productivity, and always believe in yourself."

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