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Its okay to not be okay * Trigger warning*

Today I was making molds, doing what I do every day, not having the best of days but it was a solid neutral. No ill feelings, just coasting along getting done what I need to get done and feeling accomplished.


Then I heard a hard pounding on my door. No one, and I mean no one, comes to my door unless its Amazon or my landlord, I have a large metal gate and people tend to understand to not just enter peoples property by unlatching their gate, so I ran to the door thinking its my landlord and he's angry.


I quickly open the door and there stand an unknown male face, wearing a red shirt, black hat and holding a white binder. I immediately know what he's here for: money. He has a card in his hand so I reach out and grab the card, I'm awful with things like this. I don't want to just close the door on peoples faces, but at the same time I have no interest in whatever he's selling.


He's from Teen Challenge, a business that stands for good, mind as well listen right? I glare at the card, reading it I see it just talks about the business and not why he's there, as I look up he presents his binder to me. "I'm just going around because I need to sell these tickets-" I cut him off, I don't have the money to spend on tickets anywhere. "Sorry I don't carry cash on me" he goes on "That's okay, even a penny will help!" but no, "Sorry, I truly don't have anything on me."


He looks down and he sees my sons scooter "Oh, how many kids do you have?" I saw on the card it mentioned the big brother program so I assumed that's where he was headed, slightly embarrassed about the mess that is my porch from prepping to move, I replied "I have two, don't mind the mess were getting ready to move."


At first he misheard me, thinking I said were watching a movie, but I corrected him and said no, we're moving. This was my attempt to getting him to not question me about enrolling into any program, after all I am moving I don't have time for all that.


He went on to ask me where am I moving to. I told him Utah. He mentions how beautiful it is out there and how he just came from Utah. I said yea its beautiful and snowy. He said "well not snowy right now anyways.." this was the first red flag for me. He's lying about just coming from Utah, I have friends/family there and it is, in fact, snowing and has been for a while. I just stood there and stared at him confused. "Okay well, thank you for stopping by" trying my best to politely tell him to leave.


I am standing between my door and my wall, about two feet from him, and my dog Sheldon is standing behind me peaking his head from around my legs.


I look down because I could feel him move and I felt his protectiveness press against my leg. As I am looking down, this man takes a step into my house and says "Oh what a cute dog!" and starts kneeling down to pet Sheldon as he asks me for permission to pet him. At this point Sheldon's entire head is poking out and he already has his hand on his head before I could even respond. I stood there, making sure to continue to block him from coming inside and blocking Sheldon from going out, when the puppy comes running up, he has no manners and will run out the door so I quickly bend over to pick him up before he escapes.


As I stand up and face this man, he lets out a kiddish squeal and says "PUPPY!" and immediately starts reaching out grabbing him from my arms. At this point I am standing there, a million thoughts running through my head. I live at a dead end of a street, and my neighbors are several yards away from me, is this man here to hurt me, and if he is who can hear my screams? This doesn't feel right and I can tell by Sheldon's demeanor that he is sensing something is off as well.


As soon as he grabs the puppy from me the puppy starts immediately starts licking his face. "Oh keep acting like this and I'm just never going to leave". While I feel extremely uncomfortable, I am unsure how to gauge my risk level. I have a tendency to overthink things, especially from being a SA survivor everything feels like a threat. As the puppy is licking him he looks at me and says "You have beautiful eyes."


Oh great. Here it comes, time for me to flee. "Can I have your number?" I start to grab the puppy back as I am saying "No I'm sorry I'm gay." "You're what?" "I'm a lesbian" I said trying to avoid his advances. "I really need to get back to work now." As soon as I have both hands on the puppy and he lets him go, his hands move towards my face. I leaned back as he took my glasses off my face. I have quite literally never had anyone but my eye doctor take my glasses off, let alone a stranger without permission. Perplexed I stood there wide eyed. He repeats himself, "you have beautiful eyes" I said "thank you but I really need to get back to work. I reach out for my glasses and he says "please let me.." as he starts to put my glasses back on, I stop him and put them on myself. and just say "okay thanks..".


He stares at me, blocking the door from closing, and asks "Can I kiss you?" At this point my heart is racing. I have been dreading the moment that my fear of men come to fruition. "No.." I said, as I grabbed my door handle. "Can I have a hug?" I have learned my lesson from these situations, he doesn't just want a hug and it is apparent. I am home alone, and my neighbors couldn't hear me scream and if they could they probably wouldn't put much thought into it anyways, my heart started to pound harder and I shut down. I don't know what to do. He isn't taking no for an answer and isn't leaving.


I said "No." again, and start to fiddle the door knob again trying to hint him to move away from the door, but he stands there gazing at me. He leans in and hugs me, I stood there frozen clutching the puppy, with every scenario running through my head. Is there someone else outside? Am I going to be getting assaulted right now? Will Sheldon protect me or will he just watch as I fight? Frozen with my feet to the floor he closes in on me and wraps one arm around my shoulder and the other around my waist and grabs a handful of my ass.


I shove my body forward, forcing him to take a step back giving me room to finally close the door on him. I stood there waiting until I heard him leaving my gate. Heart pounding, I look through my living room window and see him go to my neighbors house. I called my friend Jessica in a panic. At this point I am trembling like a chihuahua. I have no idea if he's coming back, I feel completely unsafe and quite vulnerable. She convinces me to call the police.


I first called the number on the card he handed me, and they had no idea who it was, and insisted I called the police as well.


I call and file a report, and the police show within minutes. They tell me two men who fit the description were up the street and I need to identify them. This is all moving so fast, I'm still shaking, confused, scared. He has me get in the back of the police car to drive up and identify the man. The first man is dressed like him, but clearly wasn't him. He pulls forward some more and the right guy was in front of the car. With his hands in prayer pose saying "please don't, please"


I have so many thoughts and feelings about the entire situation. Upset I didn't just rage out and slam the door on him, upset I cant feel safe in my own home. Upset that I have something written across my forehead that says to men that my body is open to whatever they see fit. Upset that I was put in the position of having to put someone in cuffs. He is Hispanic as well and it makes me feel even worse. There is nothing I want to do less as a white woman than be the one to put cuffs on someone that is a minority.


But at the same time, I feel dirty, and threatened, unsafe. Who else is he doing this to? He obviously doesn't take no as an answer, is willing to force himself on someone who says no several times. What if I was nicer, would he have taken things even further?


This has all just triggered the hell out of me, and right now.. I am just not okay.


I am trying to be at peace with that too. Sometimes, its okay to not be okay.


There is no real reason for this blog post other than to share, hopefully make others feel less alone who have gone through or are going through the same situation. Its okay if you're not okay too.

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Unknown member
Nov 29, 2023

I know it’s been months since this incident, but I just found your site. As a Hispanic woman, I can assure you you absolutely did the right thing, and should not feel upset about putting this man in cuffs- he brought this on himself. You may have saved someone else from getting assaulted who may not have been able to handle the situation as well as you did. Happy you are safe; stay strong!

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Unknown member
Nov 29, 2023
Replying to

Thank you love 💜💜 I appreciate you

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Unknown member
Mar 04, 2023

Wow this is what I’m always afraid of so I never open my door 😤, stay strong , and fuckkk that’s really scary af . Gurl keep some pepper spray on u if u open ur door 😖

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