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I have had a long absence from blogging, social media in general I have been pretty disconnected, but blogging in general has been pretty difficult for me.

As most people might know by now, I have to move. I have been living in the same place for 11 years now, and it has been... well, a very unsavory position since I moved in.

It is a long, and very complicated story, but the home is decaying, and I do not live around friends nor family (no support system at all) so things like building my business, or getting a second job has been nearly impossible. Just being here has been holding me back from any growth at all, and has left me feeling stuck in this perpetual circle of needing more money to move forward but not being able to make the money to do so.

After talking with my "dad"/landlord about all the issues with the house, and how I would like to move out but I can't move out with constantly fixing things in the house, and all the issues the house holds, he basically informed me he has been wanting to talk to me, he wants to either raise the rent or sell the house all together and needs me out.

He first gave me six months to move, but I let him know I have been having a difficult time making rent already let alone save up enough to move out in six months, so he said "the longest I can do is a year". I told him I will go home and see what I can do. After talking with friends and family in Utah (I am in California) I was encouraged that I can move to Utah and be around my support system. I contacted my "dad"/landlord back and asked if I could at least stay until my daughter graduates high school so I'm not moving her out before she gets to walk with her friends, and he agreed (which would be 8 months, just slightly over the 6 months he originally requested).

Well, time has been moving quickly, and I have been struggling to get everything in order since I am doing it all alone. I have been putting all my earnings into paying off debt to help get my credit to where it needs to be. I have been working my booty off to make as much money as I can, applying to as many remote jobs as I can find. I have been giving everything my all, but certain things have been not working out, and I have been feeling quite overwhelmed with the pressure of it all. Seeing the date get closer and closer, my credit is higher than it has been in years, however finding places that are willing to accept me being self employed has been extremely difficult.

All of the pressure of it all has been sending me into this mental spiral of feeling like a failure.

Last week came up where the feelings of it all has reached its peak, and I could feel my normally positive nature deteriorating and that's when I got a phone call. My dad calls me and says he is calling to see when will I be moving, as if we hadn't already had this discussion, and it barely hit 6 months since we had this discussion. He called me mid panic attack at 10:30 at night, so it threw me off. I told him still when my daughter graduates, which I believe is March, he said fine and then we hung up.

After we hung up I realized since I was so thrown off and scatter brained I think I said March and not May, so I called him back and apologized and said I think I said March but I meant to say May, that's when she graduates. He immediately got angry. Said "So what you are telling me is its going to be an entire month longer than what you just told me? What do you purpose we do about this then?" Perplexed, I had no idea how to respond to this. What happened to it being okay to wait until she graduates? What happened to "the longest I can do is a year"?? So I stuttered and just said "I, I'm not sure what you mean". His tone at this point was very irritated and strong "Well, since you are going to extend it an additional month, I want you to pay me an additional $800 for that month". Defeated I just said "Okay, if that's what you want that's all you need to say".

He then brought up our first conversation from months ago and said "If I recall, when we first discussed this, you said she graduates in April." At this point my heart is racing and I just feel like jumping off a local bridge. What the hell else can he throw at me to knock me off my already broken rocker?? So I reminded him of our entire conversation.

I said "I recall, I came to you about the issues with the house, and how the demand of me needing to fix it all on top of paying rent was holding me back from moving out, but not being able to move out meant I would be stuck in this inability to grow and afford life. You then let me know you wanted to double the rent or sell the house so you told me you wanted me to move out in six months. I let you know that I wasn't able to do it in six months and you said the most you could do was a year. I then left, came home and talked to friends and family in Utah, called you and told you of the support I have coming from Utah and how I will be leaving after my daughter graduated on April 27th. I have not called to update you about the exact month of me moving being May because you gave me until August to move so I didn't think a couple weeks would be that much of an issue."

He got quiet and said "Fine. But I am keeping up on my end and I fully expect you to keep up on your end. You have until May, and no longer." I informed him "Don't worry about it. I don't want to be here any more than you don't want me here"

I think at that point he started to hear the pain in my voice being caused by his callousness.

He isn't my biological father, he is my brothers dad (which he has always made sure I knew my position in the ranking), but he is the man that helped raise me until I was 13. Despite lack of blood, I still deserve dignity. I am leaving. There is no reason to call me and go out of his way to say things to make me feel belittled just to he can feel more empowered.

He just said "Okay. I'll let you go now."

This entire conversation drained whatever was left in me. All the effort I was putting into moving and bettering my own situation felt fruitless, for not. I just crashed mentally and I am still recovering from it all, but today I was able to talk to my therapist about it.

I have this tendency to become completely blind to all my capabilities, blind to all the possibilities when things aren't working out for myself but even more so when I go through these moments with my "dad". He has this ability to make me feel so small, so stupid and utterly incapable and untrustworthy despite all that I have done not just for him, but for myself.

I went from living off $25 a week and homeless to paying rent, having a car and making its payments, a vet tech, a business owner, all the while raising two kids completely alone, and he can make that all feel like it is meaningless.

I start to forget that I have been in terrible positions with the same feeling of not knowing how something better was ever going to come, and each and every time something I would have never thought about comes to fruition and brings me exactly what I needed.

11 years ago I was in a horrible marriage. Constant arguing. Constant feeling of being worthless and life had no meaning. We moved over 21 times, and at this point we were back at his moms house. One day I was standing in their backyard that overlooks Anaheim Hills, and I was just staring off being utterly sad that the view is so beautiful and yet I was so broken. I couldn't think of a path out of where I was. Stuck in this shitty marriage with the same dude I have been with since I was 16. I just felt hopeless.

And that's when I closed my eyes, as just felt the air whirling around me. I took a deep breath in, breathing in all the trees and that's when my mind went into this deep day dream. I was imagining my "dad" offering to rent this exact home to me. I was imagining pulling up into the drive way in what was my dream car then, a white Jetta. I didn't have any idea of how I would get those two things, but I knew I wanted it.

A couple weeks later is when my then husband did the unimaginable and dropped the kids and I off at my aunts for a weekend and quite literally never came back.

When that happened it felt like the end of the world. I cried more than I have ever cried before. I had to sell my photography equipment to survive. I hopped from couch to couch aimlessly and depressed with two kids in tow. I was so depressed I was blinded to the fact that I was getting exactly what I asked of the universe. I wanted the house, and I was offered the house. I wanted the car, and the exact white Jetta came to me just a year later.

What I wanted came with a lot of pain.. but that's because in order to get what I wanted, I needed to lose the things I no longer needed. Being with him was holding my life back, preventing me from any inner growth. It hurt, it hurt like hell, but it came with so much more freedom and everything I was asking for.

So this is my reminder to you, if you are feeling anywhere in the same place, feeling stuck. The daunting feeling of not knowing how or where the release from the pain and suffering is going to come. You need to lose the things you don't need in order to gain the things you do. It hurts now, but with loss comes pain. You are strong, and don't take your eye off the prize.

You got this.

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