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Hi, It's Me, I'm The Problem

So it is 8:20pm on Sunday evening and I am just sitting here reflecting on my week. It started off with therapy, and getting down to the nitty gritty of why I hate advertising. Facing the truths I don't like to hear but that I need to.. but what have I done about it this week? Absolutely nothing. Instead I am sitting here listening to my kids cough, they're both sick, mad that my ex husband is a turd and how I have to do this all alone.


I wont lie, this week my shop has basically died. In order for me to make enough to live, not counting the additional things I need to get done like oil change and new breaks, and clothes shopping, and lets also not forget Christmas, but just to live, I need to make a minimum of $750 a week, and this week I made $414. And what will solve that problem? Is it sulking? NOPE its advertising. And did I do that? NOPE!


I am so busy being caught up with being anxious that I am not doing what I need to do, just constantly thinking about the things I need in order to get things done better. Does that make sense? Also nope. I need better lighting and this god forsaken house has windows on all the wrong walls that doesn't allow natural light. I need to move. Its pouring rain and I have buckets around my house because the roof is leaking and there isn't jack ish I can do about it. Cant call my landlord. He make it quite clear that one more thing happens to the house and I need to move because he isn't fixing it. Plus it happened at night and there isn't much someone can do in the middle of the night while its pouring. I need to go clothes shopping, since the pandemic started I have gained 40lbs and my clothes no longer fit me so I pretty much live in whatever raggity pajama set fits me and I cant feel confident in front of a camera when I feel like a turd. But I cant afford a T-shirt let alone a new wardrobe.


As I am thinking about this, I feel the resentment I have built up over the years boiling up. I'm mad at my mom. Mad at her for kicking me out at 17 for getting pregnant instead of letting me stay with her for as long as I needed to in order to learn wtf I was doing. Mad at my kids dads family for not stepping in and helping us out but everyone on both ends leaving us out for the wolves. Mad at my dad for being MIA and giving me "aw damn that sucks, sorry I cant help you" convos. Mad at my kids father for quite literally dropping us off at my aunts under the impression we were going to visit, just to never come back. Mad I had to sell all my photography equipment to survive. Mad at my mom for still not allowing me to stay at her house until I can get back on my feet, but instead allowed me and the kids to sleep on the hardwood floor for a month tops. Mad my ex step dad let me stay in his rental, just to degrade me at every chance he got, and if I stood up for myself the threat of kicking me out and how he's such a good guy for letting me stay here is held above my head. Mad my sister never stepped in to help, but instead used every opportunity to remind me of where I failed, or at least where she thought I did. Mad my kids dad wont pay child support while driving around in his Tesla, traveling around the world, and successfully running his new drone photography business. (btw Mark, the kids and I say you're welcome, cause if it wasn't for ditching out on us you wouldn't be able to do it all).


I can go on and on about the people who failed me when they were SUPPOSED to be there for me. I can go on and on about how I clawed my way up just for someone close to me pushed be back down the hill. But the question is, why am I not focusing on my own successes? Why am I not focusing more on the people who have raised me up through it all? This morning I woke up, like one of those eye pop open wide and in a panic type of wake up, because I was having a nightmare of a customer messaging me telling me "what you are doing is not good enough. You haven't even met the bare minimum of what is expected of you." Like wtf subconscious? Why did you do me so dirty?


But its because its me. I am the problem. I am so damn focused on the lack that I am missing what I have, where I came from and how much closer to where I want to be today than I was last year. Sure the growth has been a lot slower than I want/need, but its growth. The moment I stop reflecting on how so many people have done me so wrong, is the moment I start to move forward quicker.


I am holding me back, my resentment is holding me back. I need to let it go, no matter how painful it is. THIS DOES NOT MEAN FORGIVE! My mom has told me so many times, "you need to learn how to forgive me for yourself". But no. I forgive no one. I deserved better. BUT I do need to let go of the pain it has made me feel. I've been clutching onto it like its the only thing keeping me alive, when in reality its going to be the thing that kills me.


So this is me saying, Mom, Dad, sister, brother, Mark, and everyone else.. I don't forgive you. In fact, I might dislike you now more than ever.. but the things you did to do me is no longer going to hurt me. I am going to use this passionate distain for you and use it to my advantage. Starting tomorrow I will post daily, even if its just me telling everyone I don't want to post lol Starting tomorrow I am refocusing my eyes and looking forward.


Chin up. Chest out.


No more excuses. No more standing in my own way.




Photo by Ashley Byrd



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